I Don’t Want to Go…. But I’m Scared Not To.

 I don’t want to go.

But I’m scared not to…

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Our church is having its first “service for healing.”

This is the church I grew up in. I’ll just go ahead and tell you that we are United Methodists. And, although United Methodists do believe in the “power of healing” – we have never actually had a service like this that I can remember – and I’m a 30-year attendee.

 

I’m sure you are asking yourself why this is such a big deal? Why I would fret over such a little thing? Why don’t I just… not go?

 

Alexander. It all comes down to Alexander.

 

For those of you who don’t read my personal blog – Alexander is my youngest son. He is almost two years old and weighs 12 lbs. He wears 6 month clothing. He has a rare genetic disorder – Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome.

 

He is developmentally around the age of 3-6 months. He does not yet sit unassisted or stand or talk. And… he uses a g-tube for some of his nourishment. Although he progresses slowly – it really doesn’t bother me. I believe he will continue to progress – slowly, but surely. I also believe that he is perfect as God made him. And… I love him.

 

With this all consuming – protect you until I cannot do anymore – love.

 

Because of my love for Alexander – I have all these thoughts. Should I do this for you? Should I take you and let the “hands of healing” touch you? What if it helps you to – not struggle so much? What if it helps to control your seizures? (Since September, Alexander has had 3 Grand Mal seizures, 9 ear infections, 1 UTI, and 1 bout of pneumonia.) I’m not asking God to change you. I love you the way you are. But… if it meant you had less ear infections, less seizures, less struggling…. Could I bring myself to deny you that blessing?

 

Ugh. I think the real struggle for me is – I’m not sure I totally believe in the “healing service.” It is not a God issue. I completely believe God has the ability to heal Alexander. I believe Alexander is part of God’s plan. I believe God has touched Alexander. God has the ability to do all things. However…

 

Will he? Will he come to our church and cast blessings of healing during this service? Blessings he wouldn’t give us unless we go and have the “laying of hands?” I pray for Alexander… isn’t that enough? What will this service do that regular prayer won’t?

 

Which leads me to an even bigger theological dilemma. If I took Alexander to this service – to get the blessing of healing in the hopes that “It can’t hurt,” – but I don’t believe 100%… isn’t that like taking communion when you don’t believe in Jesus? I just don’t think I should offer up Alexander for a blessing if I’m not 100% sold that this service is (for lack of a better term) real.

 

**Sigh** I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to go.
But I’m scared not to.

 

I’m going to have to pray about this between now and the service. Anyone have some insight?