“Oh, Lord, please don’t let me bleed again this month…”
My heart held up this plaintive cry heard only in the recesses of my soul.
After four years of no birth control, some doctor’s visits, possible prognoses, and A LOT of waiting in between, this monthly emotional cycle is no stranger to me.
But somehow, this month the pang and squeeze of my heart feels a little deeper, a little tighter than it has in a long while, and I find myself consciously remembering to take deep breaths lest the sorrow overtake me.
Four years of waiting to be pregnant, three years of unknown chronic illness, 2 years ago since I almost lost my parents in the Haitian earthquake, a year and a half since we stepped down after 10 years of full time ministry, 6 months since we decided to pursue foster care, 5 months after we put in an offer on a house….and in every circumstance…silence, SLAMMED closed doors, windows sealed shut, and when I look at the ugly realities, I can truly often wonder, “Where is God?”
Even Christian friends and acquaintances have looked at me with sorrow/pity/frustration, unsure of what words to encourage and to uplift that just might alleviate the hard place, or some say quick words meant as a healing balm, yet hit like salt in an already bleeding wound, and maybe worse yet, when you can see or hear the relief on their faces that they are not walking this road, “I can’t imagine what you are going through…”
Yet, I know that I too have been in each of those positions — unsure, quick to judge, filled with relief — so I hear the Lord reminding me…
“Grace first, Lindsey. Grace first…ALWAYS!!”
So I pray, “But Lord if I am not pregnant, please let it come because I do not want false hope…”
And come it does, hard and fast with painful reminders that this season has not yet passed. And on top of it all, my body succumbs to the ravishing of the dreaded flu , and I weep and thrash in fiery melancholy, “Father, when will it be enough? It is just too much…too much. Please give me some relief from this life of endless waiting and heartache.”
The lyrics of a familiar song press into my grief…
“Sometimes He calms the storm and other times, He calms His child….”
And then I hear it…His voice…even more familiar to me…
“I will not give you more than you can bear, child.
That is my promise to you.
Am I a man that I should lie?
I WILL NOT be slack concerning My promises to you.
Trust My heart.
Trust My heart.”
…….
Two weeks later, as we signed papers, took key in hand, and crossed the threshold of this house that is now OUR home {where I sit even now as I type *SQUEE*}, I find myself in awe, breathing deep the relief of sweet breakthrough.
I just needed ONE thing to work out…ONE thing to crash through the walls….ONE thing to remind my doubtful heart of His faithful promises.
I often feel like the man who threw himself at the feet of Jesus….“Lord, I believe!!! Help my unbelief!”
How about you?
May I place courage in your weary hands today?
May I help pull back the barriers, showing you the light shining on the pathway of hope for your circumstances?
May I challenge the space where death seems greater than life in your wounded soul?
May I, as a fellow, injured child-warrior,
squeeze your hand in your RIGHT NOW
and believe WITH you…
and even FOR you…
that He is faithful to complete the work,
to fulfill the promises,
to never abandon you NO MATTER WHAT?
How can I pray for you today in the midst of your storm, your rainy season?
And may I also ask you to pray for me?
In the process of packing and moving and cleaning and painting,
we did not check our mail for almost two weeks,
and a few days ago discovered a letter from our social worker,
ready to start our home study process
for approval as foster care & adoptive parents.
The letter was dated on the very same day that we signed for our house.
WAIT! Did you catch that?? THEVERYSAMEDAY
And while I want to cry and shout with amazement
at God’s perfect timing,
I AM TERRIFIED,
and I could surely use your prayers
and words of advice & encouragement
for what this next WILDLY unknown season is going to hold.
Thank you in advance for the heart squeezes!!















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