Have you ever had a friend that you just sort of . . . distanced yourself from? You couldn’t really put your finger on it. Or explain quite why it was happening . . . you just called them less. You found yourself calling other friends. You would think about connecting – with a phone call or e-mail, and you put it off instead.

This sort of sums up my relationship with God right now.

I almost wrote about something else. I felt weird coming here and sharing that I’m not as close to God as I usually am.

I didn’t want to really admit it out loud – or to this group of readers. I was going to write something vanilla; something that I know from my heart.

I can say that because the Bible and God are still in my heart. They still live there. But . . . the post of my heart is this one. I am out of touch. It is my own doing. And I am working my way through it.

I actually found the courage to write this post after my women’s Bible Study. I shared with them my “non-desire” to pray. Honestly, I’m not sure if it is Alexander’s approaching birthday or the memories of all those horrible things the doctors told us or just … a phase of the moon. But I was reassured by how many women shared they also had periods of time when they felt distanced from God. In fact, I learned that even Mother Teresa felt distanced from God for a period of time. Although I dislike that her private thoughts were shared against her wishes, I do find comfort in knowing that such a
holy figure struggled as I am.

The Bible actually describes this phenomenon – in Matthew… as part of the Beatitudes:

Matthew 5: 1-12

1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.  His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds
of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your
reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

Matthew 5:3 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I think that Jesus was offering us grace, as always, in this verse. He knew that we would
never be able to love God with a perfect love. We would only be able to accept God’s
perfect love for us. As humans, we are subject to the travelings of a human heart. I think
Jesus was letting us know that as long as we continued to repair a strained relationship
with God – we were still considered blessed. I believe, that as much as we are encouraged
to shout our love for the Lord from the rooftops, we are only to do it for the right reasons
– because our heart tells us to.

And… if we cannot shout, we can whisper it until our voice returns. My love for the Lord
has not stopped, and I cannot explain this crisis over my heart. I can only ask for prayers
that it passes quickly and thank God for the blessing of grace.