Have you ever had a friend that you just sort of . . . distanced yourself from? You couldn’t really put your finger on it. Or explain quite why it was happening . . . you just called them less. You found yourself calling other friends. You would think about connecting – with a phone call or e-mail, and you put it off instead.
This sort of sums up my relationship with God right now.
I almost wrote about something else. I felt weird coming here and sharing that I’m not as close to God as I usually am.
I didn’t want to really admit it out loud – or to this group of readers. I was going to write something vanilla; something that I know from my heart.
I can say that because the Bible and God are still in my heart. They still live there. But . . . the post of my heart is this one. I am out of touch. It is my own doing. And I am working my way through it.
I actually found the courage to write this post after my women’s Bible Study. I shared with them my “non-desire” to pray. Honestly, I’m not sure if it is Alexander’s approaching birthday or the memories of all those horrible things the doctors told us or just … a phase of the moon. But I was reassured by how many women shared they also had periods of time when they felt distanced from God. In fact, I learned that even Mother Teresa felt distanced from God for a period of time. Although I dislike that her private thoughts were shared against her wishes, I do find comfort in knowing that such a
holy figure struggled as I am.
The Bible actually describes this phenomenon – in Matthew… as part of the Beatitudes:
Matthew 5: 1-12
1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.
The Beatitudes
He said:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds
of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your
reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:3 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
I think that Jesus was offering us grace, as always, in this verse. He knew that we would
never be able to love God with a perfect love. We would only be able to accept God’s
perfect love for us. As humans, we are subject to the travelings of a human heart. I think
Jesus was letting us know that as long as we continued to repair a strained relationship
with God – we were still considered blessed. I believe, that as much as we are encouraged
to shout our love for the Lord from the rooftops, we are only to do it for the right reasons
– because our heart tells us to.
And… if we cannot shout, we can whisper it until our voice returns. My love for the Lord
has not stopped, and I cannot explain this crisis over my heart. I can only ask for prayers
that it passes quickly and thank God for the blessing of grace.
About Kristen
Thank you for sharing your heart. I think if we are all truly honest, we have experienced these type of ‘poor in spirit’ moments in our lives. Thanks for pointing out this beatitude. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it in a ‘His grace is with us’ way.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I was a little nervous about letting everything become so transparent.
Kristen recently posted..How to Raise a Child who is Not a Bigot
I am so proud of you, girl!
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Yes, thank you for your honesty & transparency. I know that you will be blessed for doing so. Most, if not all, of your readers will be able to relate to your ‘dry spell’. Asking for prayers is the best way to handle not being able to pray yourself. You will be back to your ‘normal’ self soon – as you will have many praying you there!
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Thank you so much for all the encouragement!
Kristen recently posted..How to Raise a Child who is Not a Bigot
I have had times in my life that I just feel as if I am wandering in place. Not joyful not sad….just there or here, I can’t really say where. I realized after doing the Bible study One In A Million by Priscilla Shirer that those are my wilderness times. No different than the Israelites, my wanderings are times of my own making, or because of someone else, I allow my hurt or loss to keep me in that dry and dusty place. I don’t pretend to have the answer to help you get out of where you are, but I can tell you that God knows EXACTLY where you are and HE IS FOR YOU!! check out this video for a wonderful reminder… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMyZLYCxINo&feature=related
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” Romans 8:31- 32
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You are so right. Thank you for sharing that I am not alone and thanks for sharing the video. I appreciate it so much!
Kristen recently posted..How to Raise a Child who is Not a Bigot
The best (and strongest) friendships are the ones that can survive long periods of time of silence and pick up right where they left off…..
This is probably the most perfect comment ever. Thank you.
Kristen recently posted..How to Raise a Child who is Not a Bigot
I have only been following your blog for a short time, but you seem very open and honest and I really appreciate that. I am totally in the same boat as your with feeling out of touch with God. Thank you for making me feel less alone and knowing this is a dry spell and I won’t be here forever.
I’m so glad that you are following and thank you for being so honest. I’m sorry that you are in the boat with me, but I am so glad we can be here for each other.
Kristen recently posted..How to Raise a Child who is Not a Bigot
Your transparency is what makes you beautiful…..you know that? You are a wonderfully made woman of God who lives in a fallen world that is not the way He designed it for us. I hope you find comfort in knowing that He is faithful even when we are not. He loves you so very much that He doesnt require long-drawn out prayers….a simple ‘Jesus!’ will get His attention – Or even a ‘God help me!’ will do too……Sometimes those two prayers are all we are capable of……He will hear them and He will come…..Until then, you have a community of ladies who will cover you in prayer and will storm the Gates for you….thanks for giving us the honor of praying for you.
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Thank you so much for this. Seriously. Sometimes I worry that I am too transparent and – I just can’t tell you enough how much it means to hear that people can relate to this and pray for me during this time – without judgement. Thank you.
Kristen recently posted..How to Raise a Child who is Not a Bigot