A hard lump formed in my throat and tears burned inside my eyes as I focused my vision on the opening scenes. “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” took me by surprise. What I thought would be a fun outing for the children had become a walk down memory lane for me.
After being told there was nothing left to do, the infertile couple drove home in silent reflection of the last few months. I have driven down that road. My mind lingered in remembrance of tests, promises, phone calls and finally, the answer.
Strong emotion stirred within me as the woman in the movie locked herself in an empty nursery and mourned for what might have been. I recalled holding back my tears until a night away gave opportunity for release. And when she walked out of the nursery to declare, “It’s finished.” I remembered my own resolve to move on; “Not my will, but yours.”
The movie captured my attention and gave pause for thought in many areas of life, but the issue of infertility rang most true. Unlike the couple in the movie, our journey came as a surprise since my womb had already held one child.
They call it secondary infertility, but I called it prison. Counting days, taking pills, and tracking bodily functions, became a ritual of pursuing a goal beyond my reach. Waiting in the OB’s office with pregnant women, succumbing to invasive procedures and listening to empty promises felt more like torture than help. We laid the boundaries and when they were reached, we knew it was over.
As we silently drove home, a weight lifted from my shoulders and I remembered to trust God. Our first baby was a miracle and so would any others be. This fertility issue was out of my hands and I was free!
Do you know someone with secondary infertility?
Have you stopped to consider what they might be going through?
Infertility comes as a shock after previous success. Even though we had waited three years for our first positive pregnancy test, we figured we had this conception gig down. We guessed the rest would be easy. Almost four years later, we were told otherwise. That was eight years ago and my womb remains empty.
The social stigma can be just as difficult as the ache for a baby. According to Resolve (The National Infertility Association),
“Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size.”
In addition, people assumed we did not want more children, which was a painful misconception to correct.
Have you found a way to just be there?
I felt misunderstood when people advised me to relax or have faith. When we announced that the pursuit was over, people assured us we would finally conceive. They did it again when we announced plans to adopt. People were trying to help, but all we needed was acceptance where we were at and for others to support our choices. We did not need any more predictions or promises.
People accused me of giving up when I gave away maternity clothes along with bins of baby clothes. They did not see the joy I experienced by blessing someone else. Seeing the clothes used again warmed my heart, and I knew it was God’s will. He would be faithful to provide in the future. I was not giving up hope, but setting dreams free by placing them on the altar.
There is always hope when we trust God for his plan.
Now that our family is complete, the empty womb is completely forgotten . . . by others. I will never forget, but give thanks for secondary infertility. Had it not been for my first son, I would not have known what I was missing and then wanted more. Had it not been for an empty womb, I may not have opened arms to my second son and daughter.
God is the one who brought our family together. He used special people and circumstances to make it happen. Every child in our home is a miracle.
Just as my story is different from Timothy Green’s, your friend’s story will be different from mine. Sorrow and joy are common in every story, as well as the need for friendship. Are you willing to be a constant and supportive friend?
About Tereasa
As usual, transparent, heartfelt, encouragement. God has graced you with an ability to touch the heart of the hurting with your pen and you are faithful.
Thank you, sweetie. I appreciate your faithful encouragement.
Tereasa recently posted..How to Be Her Friend
Infertility has always been a huge fear of mine. When Thomas came as a surprise, I just assumed I would always be able to conceive. Now we are in the midst of “trying”, and I’m having to learn all over again patience and trust in the Lord. I want to rest in His sovereignty that whatever happens is best, but that old fear is slowly creeping back in. Thank you for sharing this piece of your story.
Mary Beth recently posted..When Colic Teaches Patience {A Guest Post}
I will be here for you in prayer and friendship. I won’t say not to worry, but encourage you to trust God’s plan for your family. His plans are always better than our own!
Tereasa recently posted..How to Be Her Friend
Sadly, infertility is a disease … but not recognised by many thus leaving a horrible no mans land for those suffering secondary infertility. Lost between those who cannot conceive at all and those who tell you to be thankful for your ‘only’ – and enjoy your ‘peace’ … empty words to be sure.
Beautiful post … I remember this journey too.
Well said. I never thought of it as a disease, but I see some truth in that. Perhaps, that point of view would allow people to be more sympathetic. Thanks for sharing!
Tereasa recently posted..How to Be Her Friend
This was so lovely, Tereasa. You know it touched close to home for me. It’s the fence line of hope I struggle with. Do I stay on one side and encourage them to keep hoping and trusting and waiting on Him? When do I know to step on the other side and encourage them to find the hope found in Him regardless of the journey… I still don’t know. so I’ll stick to just loving them relentlessly. listening deeply. praying fervently….
Nikki recently posted..Flowers in the Weeds
Nikki, I am so glad you were here to read these words. I feel blessed to be in your circle. I know that God will give you wisdom as you reach out to each friend individually. Bless you.
Tereasa recently posted..How to Be Her Friend
Tereasa, This definitely hit home for me. We struggled with secondary infertility for eight years. When I finally opened up to someone other than my family and a few very close friends, this person’s response was, “Shame on you. You should be thankful for what you have.” I was thankful for my little ones, but that didn’t take away the longing in my heart for two more little feet to run from room to room. We were finally blessed through adoption, and our family was complete.
But, I agree it is important for us to know how to support those who go through this, more common than people think, struggle. Thanks for addressing the issue.
Deb recently posted..Would You Rather be Wise or Famous
I am sorry that you received such a response. I know it is hurtful. I am glad that you have now been blessed through adoption!
Tereasa recently posted..How to Be Her Friend
Tereasa, I really appreciate hearing how you felt as people related to you on your journey. I think it’s helpful for people to know what is supportive and healing and what words cause more hurt.
Mandy recently posted..10 Things My #Allume Roomie Should Know About Me
At 34, and 4 1/2 years into our infertility struggle, I felt the pang of understanding in all of your words…the pain and the hope. Having never carried a child in my womb at all, but longing so deeply to, I have struggled in my flesh when those with secondary infertility would try to comfort me by comparing our stories. Through His grace, I am learning that pain is pain, and longing is longing, no matter what precedes. Thank you for helping me have a better understanding of what this journey has been like for you and others who experiences this hurt.
Lindsey van Niekerk recently posted..31 Days of Story {Day 8} I Remember
Comparing stories often ends up being a bad idea. We can reach into our own painful places, though, and find sympathy for another. You are right, pain is pain.
Tereasa recently posted..How to Be Her Friend
Absolutely a wonderful post as always friend. Blessings and hugs!
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