About Tadey (Lisa B)

Christian Wife, Mother of Four, Homeschooler, Crafter, Designer (Graphics and CSS/HTML), Blogger. I share too much, laugh at the wrong things, and fall on my backside regularly. Thank goodness Jesus ignores all of that and loves me anyway.

Finding Real Freedom

July 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There's Joy in the Letting Go
Creative Commons License photo credit: kelsey_lovefusionphoto

 

Fourteen years ago I turned my back on God. Every man I had ever known had hurt me or someone I loved.

Molested.

Beaten.

Raped.

Insulted.

Degraded.

Abandoned.

I was married and even though I loved him (and still do), I held back, fully expecting him to fail me too.

How could anyone expect me to trust a God that I saw as being “just another man”.

So I clung to a belief system full of female role models. I clung to erroneous ideas that I had some sort of control over my life and my destiny. I had faith in myself. I was taking control and calling the shots and making it happen.

Only I wasn’t.

Nothing was happening. 

We were spiraling into debt. I spent weekends out on a boat with friends, drinking and gossiping. My self-image was destroying itself trying to be visually pleasing to my husband. It seemed the harder I tried the more stagnant my life became.

I was lonely. I was angry. I also resented and envied all the Christians at work. It seemed God had placed me in the middle of the most outspoken group of devout Christian women ever.

Then He gave me Doodlebug. While her tiny body grew in my belly, I began to question everything. I began to see that my “control” of things was getting me nowhere. Yet I feared letting go, returning to God’s Will, as I had been taught to do.

I feared letting some man tell me what to do. That is what it felt like. I felt like God was just another man trying to control me.

….and then she was born.

It was as if blinders had been pulled off my eyes.

I don’t know why it was that moment that He chose to open my eyes to the truth. I only know it was that moment, that first moment as I held her, when I heard Him say…

“Do you understand now?”

 

I did. I understood.

I understood that submitting to God’s Will,

letting go of trying to be “in control” of everything,

laying it all at the feet of my Savior Jesus Christ,

it was the freedom I was seeking.

I am free to love.

I am free to feel love.

I am free to serve.

I am free to wake up in the morning and sit with my cup of coffee and my babies and KNOW that God has this….I need not take the wheel.

Freedom is letting go. Trusting that God is not just “some man” but an all-powerful God of all creation and that He IS taking care of me.

Are you holding on? Are you trying to control things that should be left at the foot of the throne?

Filed Under: Battles, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , Leave a Comment

For When I Am Weak.

June 8, 2012 By 1 Comment

I have wasted too much time thinking God was testing me.

He doesn’t give out tests.

Satan shoots arrows.

That angel angrily pokes at me and tests me, but my God does not.

I childishly assume my “job” is to respond to Satan’s wounds by seeking out God, as if by seeking Him out I am completing a task to prove my love for Him, to show my faith.

Seeking God is not a worksheet to be done to practice my faith on a regular basis.

This is not a test.

I am not in a classroom hoping to pass.

I have already been accepted.

2 Corinthians 12:10

Satan shoots his arrows.

I become weak.

I seek God.

Not to confirm my faith.

To show the world how God has faith in me.

How He loves me….and loves them too.

How God will come and be my strength, my rock, my healing salve.

How He is there for everyone who seeks Him.

 

Filed Under: Battles, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , 1 Comment

You are my sunshine.

May 1, 2012 By 2 Comments

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

you make me happy, when skies are grey.

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

My mom used to sing this to me. Now I sing it to my kids. If you’ve ever heard the original song you would quickly learn it’s not really a lullaby; but the chorus sure makes for a sweet sentiment anyway.

I’ve been pretty tense the past few weeks. Even on sunny days it seems there was rain falling on me from somewhere. Even as I type this, my eyes burn from holding back tears. My new pants are a bit snug from all the self-medicating snacks I’ve been unconsciously nibbling on. There are big things changing over here.

But, even when the change is good, it stirs up anxiety in my mind.

Last night, as I was trying to calm our oldest daughter from her bedtime meltdown, I rubbed her head and sang to her. As the words left my lips I realized how totally ungrateful I was being. On Monday, we found out that our daughter, the very one listening to me sing, was not autistic. She did not have Asperger’s Syndrome. I got mad. I cried until my head wanted to explode. I was so very angry. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. Not once did I stop to pray and say “Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of this diagnosis”.

I have no problem telling God how He is my sunshine, He makes me happy when skies are grey. I have no delay in praying that He stay beside me.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

When the sun is shining, when the news is good and the forecast is bright what am I doing?

I’m angry that things aren’t “good” the way I wanted them to be “good” or I’m just too busy being excited over what I’ve done to bother taking time to give praise to the One and Only that not only planned this “good” thing but put it in action in my life at the perfect time even though I can’t see that perfection.

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,

I dreamt I held you in my arms.

When I awoke dear, I was mistaken,

and I laid my head down and cried.

I wonder how I would feel if the next time it rained, I no longer had the option to call on God. As a human I understand the urge to turn away from an ungrateful friend who takes the credit for your generosity, who only seems to need you when they are down but never during the good times.

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. ~Joshua 1:5

What an amazing God we have, that He remains even when we turn away, forget, or choose sleeping in over time with Him.

My mom would be upset if I only called her when I needed her help. My dad, tough as he is, would be hurt if my only calls home were to ask him for money.

Let us not forget to pray and have fellowship with Our Father. When you are enjoying the warm blessings of a good day, remember who made the sunshine.

Filed Under: Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , , 2 Comments

Cats and Dogs

April 13, 2012 By 2 Comments

DSC_0202

Pretty isn’t it. I live here. I could see them everyday. The majestic mountains. The bright shining sun. I don’t see them though. Even this morning I awoke to a sun-shiny day and all I saw was the rain.

It’s raining cats and dogs right now. Not on our street. Not in town. In my life, in my little self centered bubble of existence all I can see is rain. My bubble is filling with water. I’m drowning and I can’t figure out how I can stop it.

I can feel the water getting hot as my anger towards myself steams. How can I be so petty as to concern myself with these little problems when so many others have so many much bigger problems?

Swirling the boiling water into a cyclone is my resentment for all of those who need me so much that I never get a break, a pause, a chance to decompress….some ME time.

Who said I was the one that had to fix everything?

Oh. Wait. I did. When I woke up this morning and took my list of things to do, and my plans for the day and ran with it. I ran right into that brick wall like I do every day.

I could feel God here with me, offering me a boat, waiting for me climb in – in faith – to ride out the storm.

It’s going to rain, for all of us. Just as no sin is greater than another, no trial is greater than another. The only one who knows my heart is God. The only one who knows my trials is God. I may ride out a storm with ease, a storm that would tear your world apart. My humble human heart may break over a pain that you could weather stoically.

Only God knows the needs of my soul. Only God understands the depths of the cracks in my troubled heart. He knows my weaknesses before I do; He is there to cover me, lift me, protect me, harbor me, carry me.

If I take time to ask.

If I take time to seek.

I miss the sun. Do you? Are you seeing storm clouds on a sunny day?

Do you ever find yourself drowning in your own whirlpool of boiling storm water?

Seek the Son. See the Sun.

Today, I will get in the boat.

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Mental Tagged With: , , 2 Comments

What am I hungry for?

March 9, 2012 By 5 Comments

Recently I was hit in the face with the reality of my size.

My tender ego has appreciated all the “you don’t look 230lbs,” “you JUST had a baby,” and the “you carry it well” remarks. It was very kind of you to say those things to me, at those times when reality would have been too much.

Now is the time for me to face the fact that this isn’t “all muscle” and it won’t just go away on it’s own.

It’s time for me accept that how I got here is irrelevant.

I did it all by myself.

A choice was made to react to stress and anxiety by bringing hand to mouth.

Chew, Swallow, Repeat

 

It never filled me. It never made me feel better or solved my problems. Now I am winded, uncomfortable in my clothes, tired, and stressed out. I have been feeding the wrong hunger.

I wasn’t hungry for food.

I was hungry for peace, quiet, safety, love, comfort, assurance, salvation.

 

I have never seen a cheese puff save anyone. My potato chips have never held me in their hands and told me they loved me. My soda pop cans may stack to an impressive height, but they can never protect me from the world.

Food is for our body.

Food is not for our soul.

Food is not for our hearts and minds. The wrong foods can actually trigger negative thoughts and behaviors that only serve to break us down.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6 (NIV)

I am not hungry for food. I am hungry for that feeling, that release, that emotional pick me up I get after I eat food.

What I want is a sustainable sense of peace, love, comfort, safety. Food will never give me that.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:1-8

I will fill my table with food that will fill my body with the nutrition it needs.

I will fill my soul “hungry” moments with the prayer that it needs.

What are you hungry for?

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , 5 Comments

The Clay and The Fire

February 17, 2012 By 15 Comments

Life is funny.

Here I sit, in a bookstore coffee shop, like a real big girl blogger, taking pen to paper because I can’t remember the password to my own blog. This moment of ridiculousness only enhances the feeling of inadequacy I felt as I read through the other contributors’ posts. They are so polished and researched, full of Scripture and wisdom.

My thoughts are so raw.

Unrefined and simple, my perspective seems immature compared to the content found here.
Yet, I am compelled to write.
I am driven to keep writing.

Until these fine women tell me to stop, I will continue to write.

I will continue to share my unrefined and unpolished perspective. Because God is not done with me yet. There are fires ahead to temper me and strengthen my resolve.

Someone will criticize my weight loss efforts. I will be too radical or too relaxed.

Someone will share their unwanted opinions about my parenting choices. I will be neglectful or overparenting.

Someone will be unappreciative of the way I chose to spend my time, my money, and my energy. I will have put someone or something above them.

Someone will read this blog and wonder why I am here. I am not an eloquent writer penning beautiful inspirations.

There will always be someone with a disapproving look. I am learning to be blind to it. I have fixed my eyes on Jesus and His light covers all other faces.

I am clay upon His wheel. My lamp is being filled with oil.

I am blessed by the amazing women on this blog. Many are already magnificent carriers of God’s light unto the world.

I shall run MY race. I shall not lose heart. I will write for the clay that is looking for the potter. We can follow the light of our sisters and walk through the fire hand in hand.

Filed Under: Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , 15 Comments

Let The Revolution Begin

January 5, 2012 By 9 Comments

rev·o·lu·tion

1. an overthrow and replacement of a system

This year I will stop allowing the world to define me and I will start listening to the definition of WHO I AM and WHO I WAS DESIGNED BY GOD TO BE – from GOD. I will overthrow my old system of thinking and replace it with prayer and devotions to the One who knows me best- My Heavenly Father.

2. a radical and pervasive change in society

 I pray that this site, the forum, and the Facebook page can serve God to change the way His daughters live so that we might be a vessel to the world, in our own special way.

3. a single turn of this kind

I was raised in the Christian faith. I turned my back. I ran away. I shall come full circle and face my Lord again, accept the saving grace of my Savior Jesus Christ, stand up and walk in faith again.

rev·o·lu·tion·ar·y

a revolutionist.

me.

what I will be this year.

Revolutionary

Will you join me? Will you step out of your comfort zone?

Exactly how comfortable is being alone, scared, feeling neglected? How easy is it to get out of bed in the morning and dread going anywhere because life feels so miserable?

Turn around with me. Look up. Get on your knees. Help me to remember how special I am and I will help you to see how special you are.

Walk with me while I do whatever it takes to stop letting the world decide who I am. Stand with me while I sing praises to our Sovereign God and declare to the world how He is at work in my life, changing everything.

Let me pray for you. I would like to walk with you.

Will you join the Revolution with me?

Filed Under: Emotional, Mental, Physical, Spiritual Tagged With: , , 9 Comments