My Soul Cries Out

February 8, 2013 By 5 Comments

It’s February, the excitement of the new year has passed.  How is your heart?

Are you discouraged by the lack of sticking with your goals?  Have you found you need to tweak those goals in order to achieve them daily?

I want to ask you to look deep into your heart.  How do you feel?

I personally have lost momentum.  I know what I should be doing, however, I continue to lean towards a sedentary lifestyle and make food choices that aren’t the best.

I feel like Paul.

It’s my heart.  What is going on in my heart? What can I do in my heart to help me achieve my physical goals?  When my heart is parched, my bones feel dry, I feel spent. That’s when I get discouraged and defeated and begin to do those “very things I hate.”

But thankfully, like Paul, I can learn to live in the spirit (Romans 8). And while my goals this year are specifically geared towards my physical wellness and being, my heart has to abide in the spirit and I have to look at my whole being working together.  I cannot achieve any physical goals, emotional goals, spiritual goals, or mental goals until my heart is in the right place.

 

 

This has become one of my favorite songs to listen to while trying to set my heart right.

Do you want to abide in Him?  Do you want to be something new?  How is your heart health?

Filed Under: Balance, Emotional, Thought for Today Tagged With: , , , , 5 Comments

When God Sings To You

November 9, 2012 By 2 Comments

It’s hard to give thanks when you’re fighting a battle.

When it feels like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, when you don’t know what the next day – or even the next minute – will bring, praise is truly sacrificial.

During so many of these times, when I’ve been at my lowest point, I’ve heard God sing to me.  I turn on the radio, and I hear the perfect song, exactly what I need to hear to lift me and encourage me.  Many times, I have found myself driving as tears stream down my face, listening to the words that I so desperately need at that moment.

Over the years, I’ve seen a pattern of the right song coming out at the right time.  Each time we’ve faced trials, I’ve found a “theme song” for that time in my life.

In 2005, when doctors told us that our unborn son might have Down’s syndrome, our song was Hillsongs “Let The Peace of God Reign.”  We played that song over and over as we begged God for our son’s safety, not knowing what challenges his future, or ours, held.  We played it, sang it, and lived it, until God’s peace did pour over us.  We played it more when he was born without Down’s syndrome, but a month premature, facing a new set of health challenges.

In 2006, as we faced two moves and the betrayal of close friends, we were left reeling.  So many times, I cried out to God and felt as if my prayers were hitting the ceiling.  I had never been so hurt and so broken.  I was battle weary, wounded and exhausted.  During all of this, Superchick’s song “Stand in the Rain” came out and became my theme.  I’ll never forget singing and praying the words – “Stand through the pain, you won’t drown, and one day what’s lost will be found…”

Months later, in early 2007, we faced our third move in a year – this time leaving our lifelong home state of Arkansas behind – and Bebo Norman’s song “I Will Lift My Eyes” was released.  After all we had faced in the previous two years, I didn’t know how much more I could take.  This song reminded me it’s not me – it’s God.  He can do what I can’t.

Some days, it’s just hearing the song I need in that moment…like the day I was headed to school, beating myself up for all my failings and mistakes, when Francesca Battestelli’s song, “Beautiful, Beautiful” came on…”Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful, mercy reaching to save me, oh and I need You, it’s so beautiful, beautiful…”

God amazes me.  He will speak to me, reach out to me, comfort me, in any way He can.  The God of the universe…the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…the Creator…He loves me enough to sing to me, to comfort me, to whisper to me that He knows.  He loves me that much.  I’m so insignificant…but His love for me is endless.

No matter how fierce the battle I’m facing may be, He is enough.  He loves me, He knows me, and that is enough to be thankful for.

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , , , 2 Comments

A Review: “I’ll Hold You in Heaven” + An Offer

November 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In this space of hope, healing, and love, you may have noticed some of our writers centering on a theme recently.  A theme of remembrance in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month – a theme that touches many of our own writing team and an even greater number of the women in this grace-filled community.

In keeping with this theme, today I’d like to share a small, but incredibly powerful resource with you.  Whether you’ve had to walk the dark road of surrendering a child back to God yourself, or if you are a ministry leader who interacts with those healing from a miscarriage, or you volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center, or perhaps you’re simply a woman who wants to bless and encourage another sister who is grieving and in pain…this book is for you.

The Review

Jack Hayford has packed beautiful words of wisdom, healing, grace, and hope into just over 100 pages of a small book that takes the reader on a journey through Scripture into the heart of God as it concerns the loss of a little one.

 ”I’ll Hold You in Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child Through Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Abortion, or Early Infant Death.”

Hayford is clear in the introduction of this little book, to state the purpose of its writing.  That is, “to offer a path to hope and healing – not through happy talk or platitudes, but through the solid footing of God’s Word.”  With that foundation firmly set in place, the first three chapters work through issues like, “Was my unborn child, in the fullest sense of the meaning, actually a human being,” “Is [my child] sensitive and responsive as a spiritual entity,” and “Is there any evidence that he or she possesses insight or intellect in the most spiritual sense?”  Moving forward, Hayford then addresses the heart cry of every parent who has lost a young one, “Will I see them again in Heaven?”  As a huge spoiler alert (if the title of the book didn’t already alert you), the answer is a resounding, “YES!”  Again, pointing to Scripture as the backdrop of every point made, every issue tackled, every question answered, Hayford gently handles the heart of the matter with hope.  He concludes the book with advice on the grief process and practical, Biblical steps to addressing the issue of abortion, using his own heart struggle and wrestling with God as a framework.

I understand that beyond a brief summary and outline, I haven’t given you many details of the Scripture Hayford uses, the points he makes, or the practical steps he details in this book…that, dear one is because I want you to get the book and read it for yourself!  For a few dollars, you can work through the questions this book brings to the light for the sake of healing your own heart, or perhaps for walking through the dark spaces with a friend who is in pain.  Most assuredly, your deepest pain will find restoration.

The Offer

In closing, I’d like to offer one more thing, dear one.  If you have walked through, or are currently in the middle of, the darkness that comes with losing a child…I want to walk with you.  As your sister, I want to intercede on your behalf in the Throne Room and ask God for His grace, healing, and love to surround you.  Simply send me an email…you can share your story with me (knowing it will be held in the strictest confidence), or you can simply ask, “Please pray.”  I promise to stand with you…you can connect with me at alle@chasing-eden.com

Grace and Blessings, Dear Ones.

Pregnant Woman Image from CreationSwap//Button Design by Finding Eden Media
Filed Under: Book Review, Emotional, Loss, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , , , , Leave a Comment

When Your Greatest Fear Becomes Your Story

October 22, 2012 By 7 Comments

The memory is seared into my brain.
I can see it like it was yesterday.

Learning Resources Center/Graduate Center, Oral Roberts University, Tulsa, OK

by preservationidaho

I walk into the classroom reminiscent of the sixties in hues of gold and blue.  I smile as I see my-slightly-more-chatty-than-normal-psychology-major friends sitting in our usual front-row-of-the-class seats.  I slide into my seat excited, as our newly-favorite professor begins the study of the day.

Counseling Psychology I.
Finally, it is my senior year and already this material is making my Top Hits list.

Dr. Feller shares scenarios with us and we students engage in a lively, guided discussion, especially the loud mouths on the front row.
And suddenly he begins to present the case that would impact my heart for life….

A couple in counseling….
…because they cannot have a baby.

Immediately solutions spouted from the mouths of students in class.

“They have so many options.”
“Maybe they could adopt.”
“They could get a surrogate.”

I raised my hand in frustration, “But what if that is not the point. What if the desire of this woman is to carry this child in HER womb? What if she just needs to grieve that loss?”

My wise professor capitalized on the moment and asked me to role play the part of that woman in counseling. I did my best to portray her heart, her desires, her longing, her sense of loss.

And I walked out of class that day praying to God with a fear lodged deep into my heart that THAT would never be my story.
I did not want THAT testimony, even if it ended in God’s miraculous favor.

Thirteen years later, and four and a half years into our infertility journey, we are that couple.
I am that woman.
That is my story.

Two years into “The Wait,” I railed and blasted at God.

Why would He let me walk through the ONE valley
that I really begged him from the depths of my soul to not let me walk?

And honestly I still do not have a concrete answer.
I cannot tell you why one of my biggest fears came true.

What I can tell you is how I have changed because of it.
How my heart is softer.
How my eyes see grace quicker.
How brokenness has become like my own skin
And how slowly but surely it has absorbed into my person in ways that are beautiful.

I know that might seem funny to say about myself.

But I see Jesus in me so much more.
And where I need to see Him more in my life is NOW so much more painfully obvious.
Somehow that dichotomy, that polarity within, shows the fragrance of Christ in a way that I did not expect.

In this season MOST unexpected, MOST unwanted, MOST undesired, MOST hated, I have found that Jesus is more real than the breath I breathe and the songs I sing.

The pain is still there.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.

Yet, grace abounds.

The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more,
Romans 5:5
New American Standard Bible (©1995)

Even in the hard.
Even in my fist-gripping control
Even in the stubborn pride
Even in the give-me-what-I-deserve-moments
Even in my judgments
Even in my fears.

His grace abounds.

In my broken pieces
In my empty spaces
In my hollow heart

His grace abounds.

And if this season makes me a little more like Jesus every day,
Who Am I… 
     …..to say no….???

Even though I had to get there the hard way
Even when I still do it the hard way
over and over again.

Yet…
His grace abounds….
Always.

May you find strength in your broken places today. May the Savior who saved your soul become the One you cling to when the whole world seems to be falling apart. May those moments where you wonder if you can trust Him be consumed with the deep-undeniable-knowing that He loves you above all else, that He is with you like no other, that He holds you in the shelter of His wings, and that in every circumstance His grace abounds all the greater because of your pain.

Filed Under: Emotional, Loss Tagged With: , , , , , , , , 7 Comments

“It was then that I carried you.”

June 18, 2012 By 8 Comments

If I am on a “walk with the Lord,” then I have been at a standstill while He keeps moving forward. I feel like a huge pause button has been pressed in my life.  Everything else kept moving forward, but I have been simply and truly stuck.

For so long I was just waiting for the next thing to happen – May and early June were the craziest months of my entire life.  We packed up our home.  We (and by we I really mean my husband) painted and prepped as much as we could in our new home.  We moved.   In the middle of all of this I had three concerts, two Memorial Day Parades, 4 Graduation Events, an 8th grade recognition night, and two awards assemblies.   And I had to pack up my classroom because they are refinishing the floor in my room this summer.

As I checked one thing after another off my list, instead of feeling more at peace, I still felt heavy, weary and joyless.

And then my Grandfather died.

There is a beautiful poem called “Footprints,” by an anonymous author, that has always been tremendously comforting to me.  Do you know it? Are you nodding along with me?  If not, please–Read:

Image Credit

 

I know that I have not been alone in this dark and gloomy stretch.  But I feel so forlorn, and at times so lost and helpless.  Like the narrator of the poem, I could not, and can not feel His arms around me.  I do not feel the security of His embrace.

Are you in a similar place?  Are you feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed, or alone?  Let’s remind each other how precious we are to Him. How beloved we are to Him.

Lord, help us to be aware of your presence, and feel your tangible care for us.  Help us to break out of this slump, and find the strength again to walk beside you.  We believe, we trust, and we will rest in You.  (And only You. Not in ice cream.  Just sayin’.) Ahem.  Thank you for humor. Thank you for the beauty of a blue sky, and the majesty of the flowers that you create, whether they bloom for a whole season, or for three days.  Thank you for the variety of your creation.  Thank you for our different personalities and strengths, woven beautifully together, to tell Your story.

Thank you, precious Father.  Amen.

 

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , , , 8 Comments

Up Down, Up Down

June 6, 2012 By 6 Comments

It’s amazing how exercise really does make you feel better.

It’s the getting out there that is the battle.

I haven’t run since September 18, 2011.

I ran a half marathon that day.

The next morning was the call about my mother passing away.

I signed up to run a 5K on St Patrick’s Day.

A week before the race

My bestie, whom I was supposed to run with, called.

Her son was being airlifted to Harborview.

He is alive!

He won’t ever walk again.

Instead of running we spent the day in ICU

You see….

Running is much more mental

than physical for me.

It helps my mental health as much as my waistline.

So why can’t I get back out there?

I KNOW it will be for the better!

feel better

look better

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:13

I have weaned off of anxiety medication I have taken for 5 years.

I feel like the fog has lifted….I can think clearer

but

there is still that mental block

of getting out there….

“Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.” Proverbs 12:25

I will take it to Him who knows me like none other!

Filed Under: Emotional, Physical Tagged With: , , , , 6 Comments

Out of Emptiness

May 21, 2012 By 3 Comments

This semester has been brutal for me.

I knew going into it that this was the hardest semester of the program I’m in, but I had no idea how much I would have to deal with personally as well as academically the past four months.  An extremely hard semester that I wasn’t sure I would be able to pass, the death of our family dog, a job search, and more left me feeling completely empty.

One night a few weeks ago, we were singing a song called “Majesty” during our worship service at church.  The song says, “Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in your hands…”  I had such a clear and beautiful picture come to mind of God cupping my empty hands in His, telling me, “Bring me your emptiness, your empty hands and your empty heart, and I will fill them up.”

Lord, take my emptiness – in school, in work, in stress, in anxiety – help me bring my emptiness to You.  Help me bring it to You and give it to You as an offering, trusting You with it…trusting You to fill it.  Help me remember Your words:

Isaiah 58:8-11

  “Then your light will break out like the dawn, And your recovery will speedily spring forth; And your righteousness will go before you; The glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

  “Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; You will cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ If you remove the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness,

  And if you give yourself to the hungry And satisfy the desire of the afflicted, Then your light will rise in darkness And your gloom will become like midday.

  “And the LORD will continually guide you, And satisfy your desire in scorched places, And give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

That night, I gave my emptiness to God.  I can’t tell you it was easy, and I can’t tell you that I saw an immediate difference in my circumstances.  But God began changing things for me, and now He is filling up the empty places in my life…

Because He is always faithful.

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , 3 Comments

Maker of the Rain

May 18, 2012 By 1 Comment

May hangs in the balance of the seasons – between the rain showers of April and the whispered promise of summer in June. Some years, the long-awaited flowers spring forward and move us closer to sleeping in, mowing the lawn, backyard barbeques with friends, and a much needed time of rest and relaxation….

But other years, the rain lingers.
It hangs on and pelts the already drenched ground with more water than it can hold. And we begin to wonder if the sun will ever come out to play again.

Our hearts go through “season changes” like this, too. There are those mountain-top moments after a rough patch where God’s promises come to light and we bask in the glow of being stronger and hold onto another piece of our story to share with others.

But sometimes, the rain lingers…and lingers…and pours flood-threatening amounts of pain, loss, stress, emotion, and fear on our already heavy souls…

My heart has traveled through several of those kinds of seasons in my short 24 years on Earth.  And in some ways, I feel like I’m in one now…there are plenty of good things in my life, blessings that I desperately do not want to ignore or miss…

…but there are also some very dark, stormy patches that my tired soul would rather do without.

For those days – the rainy ones that seem to offer no hope or peace – my first response is always to allow my emotions to dictate my actions.  Not always the best choice, although sometimes a good cry is in order.  Instead, I’m trying to develop the discipline to turn to Scripture and to not seclude myself from others.  I try to confide in a friend, or my husband, or my mama…I ask for godly counsel, I pray, and I try to break the monotony of darkness with things that give my soul comfort.

For me, that’s music.

Specifically, strumming the steel stretched across wood and weaving new melodies with words…one day, several years ago, God gave me a slow, quiet song to encapsulate those dark times and His promise to never forsake me…today, I’d like to share them with you…I wish I had the time to vlog for you, but sometimes the silence can work alongside the simple words in front of the heart and do wonders that a melody cannot touch…

"Rain" via CreationSwap

Raindrops on my windowpane
Echoing the falling rain
That’s pouring in my soul
And if you say that I’m too young
For all this heartache that’s begun
Tell me why, I’m feeling old…why do I feel so cold

But I know the Maker of the rain
The One who sustains me
He won’t let me be moved
And I don’t know what’s to come
But I won’t come undone
No, no, no, no, no
All because I know…
I know the Maker of the rain

Lying here once again
Head and heart still tumbling
Dread the dreams that waken me each night
Flash and thunder strike once more
Find myself hitting the floor
Begging You to stop this fight…when will I be alright

But I know the Maker of the rain
The One who sustains me
He won’t let me be moved
And I don’t know what’s

to come
But I won’t come undone
No, no, no, no, no
All because I know…
I know the Maker of the rain

“Maker of the Rain” Copyright 2008 | Allison McCloskey

 

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

When You Have a Beatitude

April 23, 2012 By 14 Comments

 

Have you ever had a friend that you just sort of . . . distanced yourself from? You couldn’t really put your finger on it. Or explain quite why it was happening . . . you just called them less. You found yourself calling other friends. You would think about connecting – with a phone call or e-mail, and you put it off instead.

This sort of sums up my relationship with God right now.

I almost wrote about something else. I felt weird coming here and sharing that I’m not as close to God as I usually am.

I didn’t want to really admit it out loud – or to this group of readers. I was going to write something vanilla; something that I know from my heart.

 

I can say that because the Bible and God are still in my heart. They still live there. But . . . the post of my heart is this one. I am out of touch. It is my own doing. And I am working my way through it.

I actually found the courage to write this post after my women’s Bible Study. I shared with them my “non-desire” to pray. Honestly, I’m not sure if it is Alexander’s approaching birthday or the memories of all those horrible things the doctors told us or just … a phase of the moon. But I was reassured by how many women shared they also had periods of time when they felt distanced from God. In fact, I learned that even Mother Teresa felt distanced from God for a period of time. Although I dislike that her private thoughts were shared against her wishes, I do find comfort in knowing that such a
holy figure struggled as I am.

The Bible actually describes this phenomenon – in Matthew… as part of the Beatitudes:

Matthew 5: 1-12

1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.  His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds
of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your
reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

 

Matthew 5:3 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I think that Jesus was offering us grace, as always, in this verse. He knew that we would
never be able to love God with a perfect love. We would only be able to accept God’s
perfect love for us. As humans, we are subject to the travelings of a human heart. I think
Jesus was letting us know that as long as we continued to repair a strained relationship
with God – we were still considered blessed. I believe, that as much as we are encouraged
to shout our love for the Lord from the rooftops, we are only to do it for the right reasons
– because our heart tells us to.

And… if we cannot shout, we can whisper it until our voice returns. My love for the Lord
has not stopped, and I cannot explain this crisis over my heart. I can only ask for prayers
that it passes quickly and thank God for the blessing of grace.

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , , , 14 Comments

When the Creek Still Rises

April 11, 2012 By 2 Comments

Pray for waders,  and maybe a boat.

Seriously though, sometimes life can really suck.  For instance, the past year of my life has been full of the most rewarding and simultaneously difficult moments of my life.

God gave me a boyfriend who has helped me find my light again, despite the fact that I seemed determined to drown it in despair.  God also gave me my boyfriend’s teenage daughter.

I’m sure there are some step-parents out there, but for those of you that haven’t had the pleasure, suddenly becoming a maternal figure for a 15 year old girl (who also happens to be much taller than me) can feel a lot like diving into a rushing river before realizing you don’t know how to swim.

For the sake of privacy, I’ll refer to her as “Miss M”.  She’s beautiful, funny, smart and a complete mystery to me.  As the product of a broken home and a lifetime of conflicting disciplinary tactics, Miss M manages to combine the inherent attitude of a hormonal teenager with the self-righteous enthusiasm of someone who feels they’ve suffered more at the hands of the “cruel universe” than anyone else alive.

Before I go further, let me add that I’ve grown to love this young lady unconditionally.  I feel a little weird admitting some of the less-than-friendly feelings I’ve experienced, but my hope is that someone living through a similar situation will see that there is land on the other side of that river.

This past fall, she moved in with her father when her mother moved to another county.  I expected there to be challenges, but I was woefully unprepared for what followed.  Between the slipping grades, the boy drama and never-ending power struggles between parent and child, the tension in the house was palpable, and the slightest off-hand remark could turn the kitchen table into a war zone.  I have a natural aversion to conflict – a physical reaction that usually leaves me feeling shaky and ill – so these encounters often left me questioning my decision to be involved at all.

Outside of the war zone, I was dealing with ongoing unemployment and the unhappy legal proceedings associated with a divorce.  I was an adult living with my parents after a decade of living on my own.  At every turn it seemed that I was faced with yet another challenge: the economy was terrible, my depression was deepening, my car was falling apart, and guess what…the cat barfed on the carpet.

So I prayed.  So much of my life felt outside of my control that it felt like prayer was the only step I could take.  I’d tuck myself under the covers at night and repeat the Lord’s Prayer over and over and over.  I didn’t pray for God to fix things; I prayed for God to give me the strength to see His will.  The rains were falling, and the creek was rising, and I really needed Him to teach me to swim.

And He did.

He showed me sides of myself I didn’t know I had – I found the strength to be one of the few people Miss M trusts completely.  He gave me the courage to assert myself during confrontations in order to return peace to dinnertime.  He blessed me with a big sister that listened to hours of whining on the phone to patiently remind me that God had a plan for me, and that He never gives us more than we can handle.

The waters still rise, and occasionally the floods return, but when they do, I stop and I pray until the rain is done.

Filed Under: Battles, Emotional, Spiritual Tagged With: , , , , 2 Comments
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